Was Michael Oliver a Gay Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?

It has come to light in the last 24 hours that Michael Oliver was at one time a member of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! After the last report of Michael living in the sewer it was reported that Michael was actually the 5th member of the legendary ninja turtles. Unfortunately for Michael his character "Liberace" was caught in some unseemly positions with the Turtles male adversaries! Thus Michael was thrown out of the Turtles, thrusting him into the sewer to live a dark and smelly life. I was only able to find one picture of Michael as "Liberace". I was surprised to see that Michael wore his trademark bow tie even when in full turtle attire! The sword is unmistakably Michaels! He looks adorable!!! His being thrown out of the Turtles must have been a heartbreaking blow!

Does Michael Oliver Live in the Sewer?

I've recently heard from good sources that Michael is currently living in the LA sewer. This would make sense as he already is known to smell like a sewer and his lack of any actually job must have him financially strapped. Can anyone confirm that beneath this manhole is Michael Olivers current home? Also, I have heard that Michael holds queer orgies in his sewer paradise on a regular basis. Can anyone confirm this, and if so how do I get an invite?

Michael Oliver's Halloween Costume!

I found this great picture of Michael Oliver Ponce. This was supposedly taken last Halloween at a party. Ponce went dressed as Superman! He looks so cute. He probably got lots of candy from the pockets of strange men that night.

Michael Oliver's Role In Beetlejuice

Once of Michael Oliver Ponce's breakthrough roles was as the title character in the hit 1988 movie, Beetlejuice. Ponce played "Beetlejuice," an ugly monster who was also a bio-exorcist. Ponce is a great character actor and was superb in his role. Astonishingly, the producers raved about Ponce's performance in large part because he required no makeup whatsoever for his role! His skin is naturally extremely pale and with a little bit of haircoloring, he was good to go!

Hot Picture of Michael Oliver!

I found this new pic of Michael out with some of his friends! He looks pretty hot! I heard that recently he was spotted out on a date with Jm J Bullock! Can anyone confirm this?

Michael Oliver Should Go Nude in New Movie!

I was thinking about the new movie that Michael's starring in and I hope for everyones sake that they made sure to put some gratuitous nudity in the flick! Hopefully we will all soon be seeing Michael's tiny meat thermometer as well as his pasty white buttcheeks! Oh man, I am really getting excited thinking about Micheals firecrotch on the big screen! Make it happen Hollywood! Even better would be if the Dirk Benedict (Face Man from the A-Team) and Michael were gay lovers in the movie! Now that would be Hot!!!

Michael Oliver in New Movie?

I've been hearing nothing about this new movie starring Michael Oliver but I have found a few tidbits about it. The movie is to be called "Solitaire"
http://www.heybirdyproductions.com/SOLITAIRE/castcrew.html

I love the pic they user for Michael! Mikey don't you think you may want to update your headshot?

This is the plot of Solitaire:
"Set in a future where the software and pharmaceutical industries are about to merge into one powerful entity, the story centers on a female computer engineer who is wrongly sent to an experimental prison."

More about the movie:
"SOLITAIRE
Remember the adorable redhead from Problem Child?
Remember the ridiculously cute kid from Kindergarten Cop?
Remember the kid that played Alfalfa in the Little Rascals remake?
Remember that ugly blonde chick from the band Twisted Sister?
What does any of this have to do with anything?
One word: Solitaire

Every child star and product of the 80’s is being rounded up to star in Solitaire; an extremely low budget movie that has high hopes of rekindling our love for our favorite child stars.
I have to admit, I’m very intrigued and somewhat excited about this movie’s release. Do you know how hard it is to find a recent picture of Michael Oliver at the age of 25? It’s a difficult task…I know. I lost sleep over it, INDEED.
Maybe these stars have a chance? I sure hope so… they deserve a chance to be more than a one hit wonder."

And Micheal Oliver's responses to these kind comments:

1. "pc Says:
   October 31st, 2006 at 11:40 pm

   just for the record, no. that ISN’T me. insofar as finding recent pictures is concerned, how would you feel if complete strangers were trying to find pictures of you, based on something 15 years ago?
   i like my quiet existence, and don’t consider myself a “one-hit-wonder”…i was just a kid that got lucky. nothing more."

2. "pc Says:
   October 31st, 2006 at 11:43 pm

   also…..solitaire may or may not happen. if i get another chance to have some fun, cool. if not, i won’t be stressing out about it.
   like i said, i’m happy with my quiet existence. i’ve already done the showbiz bit, and now i’m doing other things."

What an asshole! Trying to be all laid back about a new movie that people invested money in! Cool dude, I really don't give a shit if the people who put money and effort into a movie ever see any reward for it. It's no wonder Oliver hasn't worked as an actor in 15 years. At least he's finally out hitting the dumpster scene and doing something he's actually good at!

Big Ben Healy Sucking Off Michael Oliver?

Does anyone know what is going on in the picture below? Michael Oliver Ponce has an evil grin on his face. Was Big Ben Healy under the table sucking Ponce off when that photo was taken?

Another Michael Oliver "Swordfight" Picture

I couldn't believe the massive erection I got when I came across this picture of Michael! Neil had already posted a picture of Michael playing with his sword and this seems to be another pic in the series! Uber Hot!!!! I wish Mikey would have a swordfight with me!

Was Michael Oliver Really Elliot Spitzer's "Kristen"

I've been hearing rumblings from deep within the queer community that a massive cover up is afoot! Although impossible to confirm at this moment I'm hearing that the actually identity of the person that brought down Elliot Spitzer's political career was none other then Michael "Kristen" Oliver! I've heard that Michael was actually a high priced call-man who worked for the service "The Emperors Club" to which Spitzer belonged. Michael would charge upwards of $1000.00 per hour to dress in his red bow-tie and seduce wealthy older men! According to my sources deep withing the bowels of the queer community a deal was brokered that allowed Elliot Spitzer to claim a hetero relationship so that he would not be further destroyed! I have also heard that Michael Oliver was behind the destruction of Jim McGreevy, former governor of New Jersey as well!!!! Can anyone confirm this uber hot story?

Does Michaels Mullet Make Him a Sex Symbol?

I've been thinking long and HARD about Michael recently! I know that he's just about the perfect man, from his trollish appearance, rancid B.O., and monstrous forehead! But I keep coming back to that amazing mullet!!! I think the idea that I could after making sweet love to Micheal blow a massive load into that mullet is what really turns me on! I also dream about leaving a massive crap on Michaels bird chest then using that crusty, filthy mullet to wipe my ass with! Just the thought of it gets me super excited!!! Is anyone else as turned on by Michaels mullet as I am? Oh Micheal, if you're out there reading this please contact me to make all my dreams cum true!!!

The Bow Tie Killers!

Hey guys! Last night, a couple of us creeps decided to start a gang!
It's called The Bow Tie Killers!
We've all gotten our ink and we're ready to throw dumbbells at the warden!
Watch out, Smiley Pies!

Recent Spotting Of Michael!!!!

I was happy to find this recent spotting of Michael Oliver!

"I saw him at Circuit City near Christmas here in Tennessee (uh oh, Oliver may delete this just because I said I saw him!). He was dressed in faux leather with his red stringy mullet flowing. On the right chest panel of his jacket, he had the letters "P.C." on it. Talk about obsessed!"



Sounds hot!!! I wonder if he was on the southern dumpster circuit at the time?

Michael Oliver's Biological Father?

There are rumors that Carrot Top and Jack Warden are Michael Oliver Ponce's parents. As I have previously mentioned, the rumor holds that Jack Warden anally impregnanted Carrot Top, who gave birth to the young firecrotch months later, in 1981. However, I recently heard that Carrot Top may have been cheating on Jack Warden with the guy in the picture below. Oliver, is the guy shown below your true father? He looks pretty low-class, has a long mullet, and appears as to be wearing a small goatee, just like you!

Young Lust?

I've heard from good sources that at one time Michael Oliver had a massive crush on Josh Taylor from the show "The Hogan Family". Since his half brother was an actor on the show Michael would always hang around in hopes of catching a peak of Josh and would stare at him with dreamy gazes of young lust! Unfortunately Michaels happiness was crushed when he approached Josh in his trailer off set and asked him if he wanted to play Atari with him. Josh was not fond of Michael and farted on him telling him to get the fuck out of his trailer and called him a "troll". Michael ran away with tears dripping onto his red bow tie. He must have been crushed!

Mike Starring in a Hot Rock Video!

A good friend of mine took this fine picture of Mikey O shooting a video back in 2003.

"This screencap is Dimebag Darrell's response to hearing the Samples. It's from a bootleg Damageplan video."

Personally I love that Mike wears a bowtie even while being sodomized with a guitar!

Big Ben's "Big Ben"

Big Ben Healy, is it true that you got your nickname from your unusually-shaped member? Was the type of scene outlined in my picture a common occurrence on the rowdy Problem Child set?

Hot Pic of Mike after a dumpster party?

I like this pic. I wonder if Big Ben lost a load on Mike's face?

Hot Request for Michael Oliver!

Michael, you already have met many of the requirements to be an icon of the gay community. You have rancid BO, horrible personal hygiene, a job as a roadie, and a sweet mullet. I think to sweeten the deal even further it would be great if you would grow a great set of mutton chops! I can't imagine how hot you would look with some terrific fire red chops! I would love to coat them in some man goo, and I'm sure with your bathing schedule they would quickly become hardened with dried man chowder and fecal remnants! Oh man I'm getting so excited thinking about it! Please get to work on this as quick as possible Mikey!

John Ritter's Last Words?

In the last few weeks there has been a medical malpractice trial going on regarding John Ritter's death. During the trial it came out that John's final words were "JUUNNNIOR!!!!" Seconds later John was gone. Also, I was amazed to hear that in John's personal belongings was a recent pic of Michael Oliver, the one of him strutting around doing roadie duties, and it had what was determined to be semen on it! What's up with that? What kind of sick hold did Mike have on poor John Ritter?

Oliver's Appearance on Platypus Man?

Hey Oliver, is it true that your appearance on Richard Jeni's show "Platypus Man", so haunted the comedian that he would eventually commit suicide because of it? Why the hell would you do something like that?

Mikey O At a Daft Punk Show!

Last year, Michael and I went to a Daft Punk show in Las Vegas! We had a great time! As soon as the music hit, Mikey did what he does best - dropping to his knees and pleasuring as many dudes as humanly possible! I snapped this shot of Oliver and a couple of his adoring "fans" as Daft Punk busted out "Around the World"! There are some moments in a person's life where time seems to stop; this was one of those times.
For their encore, Daft Punk brought Mikey onstage, and violently spitroasted him while shaving his mullet off with a hair clippers! It was awesome!
I miss these grandfatherly outings with the boy.

Michael Oliver & Big Ben Healy Comic

Look at this awesome comic involving Michael Oliver and Big Ben Healy. Big Ben Healy is getting even with Oliver for damaging his store and being such a little brat! Big Ben is coating Oliver with a nice watery diarrhea spray - that will teach that little brat to be good!

Is Michael Oliver a Racist?

There was a heated altercation outside the Tomcats Theater in Hollywood on Wednesday, where Michael Oliver repeatedly rebuffed the advances of famed Hollywood she-male, Lavonne! Oliver continuously referred to LaVonne as a "piece of shit nig-nog", and threatened to curb-stomp her into Play-doh! Oliver, would you care to state your side of these proceedings before the steamroller of White Guilt takes you from us for all eternity? We would greatly appreciate your perspective on this burning issue!

Earwax!

I was just told by a highly reputable source that Michael Oliver sucks ear wax from Hollywood bums! Before this burning news hits such publications as The Enquirer and OK!, would you care to refute these allegations, Sir Michael Oliver? The entire world waits with bated breath as to your description of your mouth as the Earth's Anus! Let us know as to your response to these descriptions of your habitual truancy!

Michael Oliver Ponce's Meal?

Ponce, I heard that Big Ben Healy ate Taco Bell and then sprayed diarrhea all over the toilet bowl in the bathrooms off the set where Problem Child 2 was being filmed. The photo on the left was supposedly taken by Big Ben Healy with his portable camera so that he could show it off to his grandkids later. Please confirm that Big Ben walked you into the bathroom on a leash and then you eagerly got down on your knees and ate his watery feces. Did it taste good and did you wear a Red Lobster bib while chowing down on your meal? Please contact me to confirm the details.

Eats His Own Feces?

I have uncovered another uber hot story about Michael Oliver! According to my sources a few months back Michael thought he was gaining to much weight. Since he was on hiatus from the roadie world he found himself getting fat. Without the daily bouts of lugging speakers around and having tons of buttsex he put on quite a few pounds. To take off the weight he dedicated himself to only eating his own shit! I've heard that he may have contracted a disease or two from doing this, and his breath smelled worse then usual, but the diet was a total success!!!! Congrats Mike, on eating your own shit and dropping twenty pounds to maintain that frail figure that we queers so adore!

To Michael Oliver

Okay, this is going to be a serious post. No Big Ben Healy tomfoolery. Michael Oliver, we know you read this shit, just like you read everything else on the Internet. I'm sure you'll read this, and feel free to reply.

Owing entirely to the antics on this board (and ultimately to the queers on IMDB, which I haven't been a part of), I bought the Tantrum Pack last week. In fact, the queers on this board have taken a renewed interest in the Problem Child films since all this started. (You can thank us when your one dollar royalty check comes in.) I watched the two movies, and they were GREAT! And despite what you've said about fulfilling a "look", your acting was fantastic! I don't think that any other kid could have pulled the job off like you did.

So what the fuck happened?

Your mom pulled a Kit Culkin, held the studio up for payola, and fucked your career into the ground, it seems. Yet if you really wanted to continue acting, there was surely some outlet which you could have taken. Instead, you dropped off the planet, cementing Junior as the only thing that anybody outside of The Samples knows you to be. It's like a condensed version of Dustin Diamond's sadder and more queer-friendly career. You get points for not badmouthing your former castmates - but then again, half of them are dead, and Gilbert Gottfried is unassailable (though you handed him his ass in Problem Child, and Amy Yasbeck never starred in Showgirls, so you're kind of Dutched there. You've never appeared on a reality show in an attempt to revive your career, so you get BIG points on that. I hope you've never picked up a chick at an Arby's. Good work on all that.

Yet you paradoxically maintain this veneer of asshole paranoia about your public persona - which hasn't existed in fifteen years. You monitor every comment on the internet concerning you, and attempt to erase the ones you find offensive. Your article on Wikipedia contains a discussion page where you (or at least somebody who went by "RoadiePC") have commented, apparently trying to steer the tone of the article towards your sanitized version of things, made obvious by the complete omission of Universal's lawsuit until very recently. Not that Wikipedia isn't subject to bullshit from all angles (including us), on all subjects. But it's rather tasteless (and I'm an expert on tasteless).

Yeah, most people you meet are going to call you "Junior". But that's on you and your agent. The level which you monitor your public perception is completely unnecessary, and it is almost solely responsible for the creation of this board.
Unlike Screech, a lot of people LIKE what you've done. You never made a "Problem Child: The College Years", or "Problem Child: The New Class" (although that might have been Problem Child 3, which you ducked out of). There are many child actors with worse careers than you've had.

What makes our mockery of Dustin Diamond - which has gone on for the better part of a decade - so fun is in the way that he has responded to our bullshit with such anger. He attempted to sue our original queerboard, dustindiamond.com, and lost. It's only gotten worse since then. The creepy thing about our "fansites" is how much we know about the actors, and their shows. The Dustin Diamond contributors have an almost Trekkie-like obsession with Saved By the Bell. Yeah, we use it to proposition Screech into violently gay sex, but that doesn't take away from our dedication. To my knowledge, we're the only fansite you have.
We're assholes. Get used to it. But you could have fun with this.


Yours,

Big Ben Healy

Why Doesn't Michael Oliver Ponce Play an Instrument While on Tour With The Samples?

I have always wondered why Michael Oliver Ponce, the studliest man in the history of the universe, doesn't play an instrument while he's touring with The Samples. Are his roadie duties that time-intensive? I heard a rumor that while on the rowdy Problem Child set Ponce used to tune Big Ben Healy's meat whistle. The word on the street is also that he is an expert at playing the skin flute. Since he undoubteldly has substantial experience in manipulating these instruments, I question why he's not up on the stage jamming away during the many standing-room-only concerts for The Samples. Can someone please enlighten me?

Did Michael Oliver Live With Michael Jackson?

I've heard from good sources that after being tossed away by Carrot Top, Michael sought refuge with the King of Pop, Michael Jackson. I've also heard but been unable to confirm that Michael Oliver shared living arrangements with Bubbles the Chimp and that he was forced to take care of Bubbles. Unfortunately I have heard that Michael Jackson grew tired of Micheal Oliver and decided not to keep him, instead keeping Bubbles the chimp! After being tossed out of Neverland Mike O tried to search out Werner Klemperer who played Colonel Klink on the show Hogans Heroes as he felt that Colonel Klink would have been a great Dad. He was unsuccessful and thus decided to become a hobo.

Is Michael Oliver the Illegitimate Son of Carrot Top?

Michael Oliver Ponce, I heard a rumor that Jack Warden impregnanted Carrot Top with his potent seed back in early 1981, and Carrot Top gave birth to you on October 10, 1981. Supposedly, you were Carrot Top's "butt baby" and were born directly out of his ass - Carrot Top is your mother and Jack Warden is your father. Is there any truth to this rumor? I also heard that Carrot Top was upset that his anal pregnancy ruined his figure, causing him to turn to steroids to lose the pregnancy fat. Did Carrot Top disown you for this? Is this why you were supposedly caught living in a dumpster in New York City a few years ago? Please get back to me soon!

Remember when...

Hey Ponce, remember when you did a brief stint as roadie of a unknown and untalented alt rock band called Salty the Pocketknife? Remember how you knew nothing about their music, but you were attracted to the band because it featured none other than Dustin "Screech" Diamond on bass guitar, someone you had always admired? Remember how excited you were at the prospect of "hangin" with a mega-star like The Double Dog?

Remember how nervous you were about meeting him for that first time? Remember how you introduced yourself, and Dustin seemed really kind and down-to-earth? Remember how you chatted, and then you went backstage to set up the amplifiers, feeling relieved? Remember how your relief turned to horror when you overheard Dustin talking about you with his bandmates, and you heard him say "what's the deal with that dumb fuckin' roadie? He's got worse BO than a cab driver! And what the fuck is with that mullet, who does he think we are, Motley Crue? What a loser!!!!"? Remember how drummer Evan Stone chimed in with "he looks like the sort of complete and total assclown that likes to play with swords in his spare time, and religiously check up on what people are writing about him online? What a total douche!"? Remember how the righteous indignation built within you and you vowed then and there to exact a horrible vengeance upon The D-Man and the other members?

Remember how showtime came around, and it was finally time, after days of meticulous preparation, to put your dastardly plan into effect? Remember how you constructed a makeshift cannon out of an old pipe and some theatrical explosives, and got a bunch of homeless dudes to shit in the pipe, with the intention of showering Salty with homeless dudes' shit during the show?

Remember how Salty ripped into their first song? Remember how the singer was tunelessly screaming like a cat undergoing a particularly violent anal raping? Remember how the guitarist obviously thought he was the re-incarnation of Frank Zappa, and tried to play as such, despite the fact that a man with no fingers could probably have played better? Remember how Screech and Evan were laying down what they thought was a "righteous groove", but which in fact sounded very reminiscent of The Shaggs on a bad day?

Remember how you decided it was time to put your plan into effect? Remember how you hid backstage, cackling maniacally, you lit the fuse of your makeshift cannon, and BANG! The band and audience were completely coated in fecal matter? Remember how you poked your head out to admire your handywork? Remember how you witnessed a gay scat orgy the likes of which had never been encountered before? Remember how the audience seemed to consist entirely of very very gay men, most of whom were clad in leather, sailor suits, or assless chaps? Remember how you realized that Salty must have been, despite their utter shitness, the hottest queer band operating in the country at the time, and that your shit-cannon had sparked off a spontaneous fecal orgy of butt-sex? Remember how you saw Screech, Evan and the others in amongst the writhing throng, sucking, fucking and smearing with gay abandon?

Remember how you thought to yourself, "meh...if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!" and you dived right in?

You sure learned a thing or two about life on the road that time!

Michael Oliver's Filthy Underwear?

I heard that Michael Oliver sometimes shits his pants during concerts for The Samples, and that is why his balls and ass can usually be smelled from 10+ feet away. This isn't surprising because the small venues at which the The Samples play often probably cannot afford indoor plumbing and a long line forms at the outhouse/hole in the ground in the back parking lot where people go to the bathroom. Oliver probably does his best to hold it in until he's finally at the bathroom, but he's only human, and God knows that Taco Bell can create a massive diarrhea release within hours of being eaten!

I heard a rumor that underwear in the image on the left is actually Michael's and was taken after he returned from a tour for The Samples. Apparently he wore this crusty underwear for two weeks straight! Does anyone know if this is true and/or have any additional details? Also, does anyone know what he ate before soiling his underwear?

Lived in a Dumpster?

I have heard from solid contacts that before "The Samples" gave Michael a shot a being a foul smelling roadie Michael had been living in a dumpster. I've heard that for a year or two in the late 90's Michael, by choice, decided that instead of heading out each night in search of queer dumpster parties he would live in a dumpster and let the parties come to him!
This sounds like a pretty good idea since Michael could care less about personal hygiene. I have a picture of the purported dumpster and it looks fairly comfortable. I notice it is a NYC dumpster and I was not aware Michael had lived in NYC. Although, I guess since he lived and partied in a dumpster he wouldn't have had a real address! Can anyone confirm this?